Self Denial

yes..

she got up from the bench, left the park that overwhelmed by the falling leaves.

she headed to the corner of the street, picked the coffee shop she used to go there whenever she needed to get relax both from her problems and solved ones.

"one hot caram.., nah, one pure vanilla, please" she smiled.

she pulled the wooden chair, took a seat, and pondered throgh the big glass window.

"excuse me, miss, your pure vanilla" distract the coffee boy.

"thank you. errr, can i borrow your pen, please?" she said.

the young part-timer boy lent his pen and left.

there she goes, a pen and a pocket-found scrap paper, also sips of vanilla.

she started to write..

----------------

i am getting better day by day,

i am able to live my life happily without you,

i do not mind if you are staying away from me,

making such a distance between us,

despite we already have them handled,

yes, i am stronger for my self.

i am happy to see you happy,

although we have different definition and perception of it,

yes we are different but we are connected each other,

that is what i am feeling and trying to prove, this far.

i am crying no more tears for this,

not because i do not care about you anymore,

but i am trying to take care of my self and my love, perhaps.

i will not bother you with my snivel no more,

and i will not run into you like a 5,

because i do not know how to do this or that.

yes, i will be tough than ever, i promise.

i do not mind if we will not be having any conversations anymore,

because we both know, there are nothing really important to say, maybe.

because we both know, i have said what i need to say, and so have you, perhaps.

yes, i do not blame anyone or anything for what has happened.

today, you see me okay.

today, you see me laugh out loud.

today, you see me with no tears.

today, you see me doing my work appropriately.

today, you see me are trying to get my life goes well.

today, you look at me and smile as you can see my life is greater than before.

---------------

she pondered again, through the big glass window, watching the sky of late afternoon.

ahhh..

no, no, please, she begged.

yes, she begged to herself.

"please, oh please, i don't want to feel my heart crumbles again."

her inevitable tears started to fill her eyes,

she took a deep breath so the tears will not be coming down to her pale cheek.

but, it did not work, tears started to drop on her face.

she couldn't cheat herself, she couldn't convince herself,

that she was what she has written.

no, she couldn't.

because she was not really telling what she really wanted to say,

what she really had changed,

what she really had faith into.

she was denying,

she was refuting,

she was disavowing,

she was lying to her self.

alone, she broke down and cried.