" Some people say it was by chance,
others, designed.
But, who really knows? "

-Unknown-

"Sometimes I just can't tell anybody how I really feel,
not because I don't know why,
not because I don't know my purpose,
not because I don't trust you,
but because I can't find the right words to make you understand"

-Unknown-

Hell-O Reality

If I live in a dream world, will I survive in reality?
Because I never know how pain would feel,
or what real tear drops are..
They were all telling me that I should stay in my world, because reality is full of problems.
But, hello, what is problem?
I never heard that before.
My world is full of spirit and laugh.
My dream world is always giving me what I want and what I need.
Oh, I think I am going to arrange a journey to reality world.
Sounds good, eh?
I'll tell you when I have arrived.
Adieu, wish me good luck! :)

my want(s)

I simply want to be a good, lovable person.
I want to be happy and cheerful, so everybody can feel the same.
It's nice to be loved by person that I love, but it's fascinating to find love with the unexpected ones.
Honesty, that's a thing I really want to upheld high inside mine.
I really want to be a successful woman with good career and not to be forget, incredible family.
When my children have grown up, I'd like to hear them saying: "Mom, you are my inspiration."
I also want to hear my grandchildren babbling that their grandma's is rocking.
And I want...
...
...
Yeah, i have written some of my want(s). But what can I do to make they happen?
I often feel break down.
I am spending my mind and me too much on others, rather than to myself.
I am careless to my self until I finally get sick.
I think, I need something or someone, which any can be my harbor.
Since I have always be one to everyone who wants to lie at anchor..

ftw.

I can't imagine what's on their minds, till they can easily abandon people they should have taken care of.

I can't imagine how come they simply utter their incapability while their gold and diamonds are shinning through their pockets.

I can't imagine they are standing still when I fall down with tears bursting out, and give a damn to others instead.

I can't imagine they are scolding me and telling that I am selfish, just because I have my good time outside and being carefree.

I can't imagine, that someday I will be losing my mind and get mad, so I might do awful things to them.

I hope, it will only be on my imaginary side.

Because I don't know, what I would be if I live without seeing them and hearing them.

Pop Out Mood

I have fun, then I get bored.

I want something new or just simply you.

Thing to Think

Sometimes,

We are down at the point that we don't even know how horrible the thing is to be described.

That thing is just like a crisscross on a pie with an awkward pattern, and nobody seems can't help you to make it better.

You sure you have worked your ass off to puzzle the thing out.

But,

What does it mean, if you've been told that everything wouldn't be the same anymore?

What does it mean, if everything is too late to be fixed?

What does it mean, if you feel like there's no answer in every question you have?

The thing keeps sucking you just like quicksand, torturing you slowly.

You keep thinking on this thing and haven't figure it out yet.

Au secours!

Hello Again, Feeling Happy?

lalalalalalala..

I have been humming it for today.

I have been playing the tunes on my minds.

I don't really have any certain reasons to feel happy.

I just felt it and I kinda like it, although found it a little bit weird.

Yeah, you know, I can barely feel happy when I am in this such conditions- my usual life.

I haven't posted anything lately due to my uncertain activities, but actually I have plenty to say, for sure.

I recapped my last 10 days on my still-functioning-brain-neurons, found ups and downs thingy.

I had the abdominal problem which is diarrhoea for about a week.

I still can feel it if I consume instant noodles (arghhhhhh, why on earth should I get a weak intestine????).

You guys really know how best Indomie Goreng tastes, don't you?

It started when there was no food at my home, my mother gone for a business trip, and my auntie called me, telling that she had this reallyyyy tasty crabs from Balikpapan.

it's only the pincer of the crab.

Yeahhh.. Looks nice, doesn't it??

Until I found out that tomorrow morning, me, my older sister, and my younger brother had splendid time at our toilets. Yeahhh the effing diarrhoea..

It didn't stop right there. The next day, I went to my campus to attend convocation about freshmen of Communication. I didn't know if I got cursed by someone or something, I slipped and fell down at two-steps-long stairs. So dumb!

Moreover, I couldn't get up and walk because I had this sprained ankle, so my friends lifted me up to my friend's car. (Luckily, I didn't drive my car, otherwise I will left it unattended at the perilous parking lot).

Me, then, had the healing massage to relief every pain on my muscle, d'ohh.

Finally, after two times of massaging, I can walk appropriately, although the pain's still turning up if I walk on uneven road.

Despite things happened above. I feel happiness stop by on my life, although a little. =9

Like today, I gathered around with some friends and we were singing along together.

It was delightful for me and them because all of us loveeeeeee to sing till death.

On previous weekend, (when my ankle's still occurring some pains) me and my best friend went to a nice welcoming back night, full of music, performance, and not to be forget, liquor babyyy..

hahahahahaha. I have to admit it, I kinda miss that old life, high school life, I mean.

(I wish Auntie Mega will publish the photos soon on facebook, *wink*)

Then, the next day, me and my two best friends, spent other exciting night with new guys around.

(big thankie for ndoy and bachien who kept pushing me to get along with the 'new guy', but both of you definitely know, to whom my heart belongs to, ewwwwww hahahahah).

We went to karaoke together too with some new friends at Music Pool, Wijaya for couple hours.

(I can't post the other photos because they don't want to be famous on my blog, blah).

ndoy.bachien.njay: 3sum reunited

njay.ndoy : crazy fellas

Today, I feel happy for uncertain reasons, yes.

I feel happy because I can take bites of CK's almond nut brownies.

I feel happy because I met my friends and experiencing Teras Coffee, after my absence about two weeks.

I feel happy because I played with Samantha, and gave her the new 2000 rupiahs.

I feel happy because I can walk and hanging out with friends again.

I feel happy because I still have money left although the amount is soooo dreadful.

I feel happy because I realize that I'm still falling in love with him, I guess. hahahahahaha

From everything I have told you in this post, they seem common, don't they?

But I am so grateful to my God, whoever You are, for letting me to feel some happiness from thingy like that.

Sometimes, it's not easy to be grateful on your own life, isn't it?

Because we always want more and more and never look down, there are plenty of people who have no life as good as ours.

Although I had diarrhoea, sprained ankle, less money, and jinx around me, I found happiness in the middle of that.

It's always easy to say

"I am grateful for my happy life",

but will you often say

"I am grateful for these infelicitous circumstances?

Need some self-contemplation? Take your time, Mates.. =)

"Hello there" and "Bye folks" from Samantha Askey

I Couldn't Imagine

...

" Maybe, errr yeah, I think I just have to stop loving myself, since everyone does. Don't you think so?"

...

I wonder what kind of hell was happened to her, so she told her awful tales to me like that...

(mis)Communication

Thoughts of an 18 years old girl on her bed before she fell asleep:

How could she think I spasm because I am a druggie rather than having a nightmare?

How could she think I am no longer virgin because all of my friends are not?

How could she think I steal or sell something because I can go out everyday without money given?

How could she think I will be just okay because I only have the fever, not the cancer or nervous system disorder?

How could she think I can do all things because I seem able to do it?

How could she think and treat me none like a mother, real mother, biological mother?

I think I don't understand this.

Thoughts of a 47 years old single mother on the same bed before she fell asleep:

Why couldn't my daughter just simply spasm because of having a nightmare rather than being a druggie?

Why couldn't my daughter be able to stay virgin even though all of her friends are not?

Why couldn't my daughter ask me for money instead of stealing or selling stuffs?

Why couldn't my daughter take care of herself? It's only fever for God's sake!

Why couldn't my daughter do all the things she can surely do?

Why couldn't my daughter act like good girl that I can take pride in?

I think I don't understand this.

The mother and the daughter were sleeping on the same bed, back on to each other.

The daughter was crying quietly because she didn't want her mother to hear it.

She didn't let her mother to understand her.

The mother's heart was broken into pieces but she didn't say any to her daughter.

She didn't let her daughter to understand her, either.

They didn't trust each other.

They didn't feel the love between anymore.

They just need a time, a really good timing, to talk. Talk. Talk.

They lacked of communications since years ago.

They couldn't even recall it, when it started, when they didn't talk each other anymore.

Dear God, they just need the time. You will grant them one, won't You?

Lessons for Life

I just got home and my mind is full with words and thought.

Well, it's gonna be another not-to-be-having-any-sleep craic

(Irish slang: pleasant conversation or talk).

I know I am not pretty good at describing or storytelling something in a nice order or plot, but I will try my best because things I have in my mind right now are really good and precious things to share, as long as I pass it on correctly, hahahaha.

Well, I went out with my 3 older girl friends (in this case they are all over 30 years old).

We watched movie, had some food, laugh and it came the moment, sharing things.

We were talking about life, love, money, guys, friendship, food, everything girls could ever talk about, not to be boundary by our gap of ages of course.

From our conversation, which is most about love and life, I discover something that we are all can use for developing good spirit and good mind, indeed.

Every person God had created, they have their own destiny, their own fate, their own options to choose in every single life. When it turns to positive or negative outcome, it is all because our decision made earlier, and there is no mistake over there.

If it turns positive, it MEANS that is your time to continue your life to make it better than before.

BUT, if it turns negative, it MEANS you have to learn more so your future will not be getting worse and maybe, inadvertently, you help or save other's life. And it might not happened if you were making the (you may think) positive decision first.

So, every time you feel failed or regret of negative decision you have made, maybe this is the time you should perceive that it has to be related to other thing, good thing, indeed.

Okay, if it's to abstract to understand I would put it in example of my good friend's life (thank you for my besties to lend me her story).

She was born in a looking good family but fragile inside. During her childhood until teenager she had through this family matters until her parents decided to divorce when she was in 9th grade but it had just legalized 2 years after. She was being put in a middle of her parent's battlefield while they were fighting for winning her. They didn't even listen to her voice, what she would like to utterance to. Right now, she is living with her mother in pretty adequate life although sometimes they would fall down too. But, her father, her biological and not other father (her mom doesn't marry again) never gave her money support as his obligation, routinely. He only gave her money when he had it. I assumed she has to stop her life when her father didn't have money. Don't you think so?

However, she has grown up pretty good. She went into best university in her country, and scored quite satisfying GPA. Despite her little wacky and mischievous attitude of common young adult, she still being responsible to herself and her family.

In her life, I hardly see happiness come along. In that young age, she supposed to have what normal young girl could have such as affection from parent, stability of life, etc. But, she told me that all she had been through make her become more mature and stronger, so every problems she had nowadays, she can through it pretty well. She helps some friends too due to their problems. This what I call the other side of negative things that could turn into positive things when you handle it wisely and willingly. By helping others with their problems, she is developing herself instead, isn't she?

Actually, I still have the other lesson about love and friendship, but I will talk about it in the next post this afternoon.. I am feeling a little exhausted. *o*

I'll see you soon...

Today's Out

I am feeling good today somehow.

I woke up around 7.30 in the morning, pretty early for a holiday.

It was all about my high pitch mother who said, " Banguuunnn! Kuliah jam berapa??"

I simply replied, " Yeah, midday, mom" and then went back sleeping. ( I can easily lie although I wasn't really conscious yet, ahahahhaa).

Well, I have been already woken up because of the noisy sound of mother, so, I couldn't get back to sleep after few trials.

I got out my room, and remembered of BUBUR CIKINI I bought yesterday, actually that was my scrappy meal, but still tasted goood. Hahaha.. What a nice breakfast..

And then I believed if I got back to my bedroom again, I would be sleeping and getting FAT FAT FATTER and also late for watching Harry Potter: Half Blood Prince with Anisa Lahay at PV, 12 P.M.

Next, I watched TV and looked at newspaper I subscribe.

On the first page, my eyes were looking at a man on the left up of the Kompas newspaper.

I laughed because there was a picture of my friend's father, Hadar Nafis Gumay, talked about politics nowadays related to the President Elections.

After finished reading (well, flick through is more correct), I called Lahay to wake her up since she is sooooooooooooooo fucking shit to be woken up.

I surfed the internet and the time was pointing at 10 A.M. something, took a bath and blablabla stuffs and the time was already 11.20.

I drove fast while kept calling Noor A. Lahay because she didn't pick up my phone.

I arrived at PV, bought ticket for two, came inside first, and Lahay caught up at minute 15 or so.

After that, we met Angki and Siddik at J.Co and I left PV because I had to pick up my obnoxious little brother and sister at Menteng, and paid some bills at Mampang.

I drove back to PV and we moved to Citos to watch performance of my friends.

It was a reallllly cooooool one. I tempted to eat fuckin junkfood BK: BBQ beefacon with cheese! because of Si Noor. arghhhhh! She said "You can eat anything anytime, but BK?". darn youuu!

We took away the BK and ate that along our way to Teras Coffee to do some chitchatting, playing, meeting some loyal customers over there, since we are all one of those loyal customers. hahaahha...

At 9 PM, we went back home and here i am sitting in front of my mother's lappie because mine is broken and haven't got it repaired yet due to this and that (money and the place to fix it is not in my GPS' mind).

Well, that's my day going..

Once again, I am feeling pretty happy. weird...

Relieved

Yeah, somehow I'm feeling better at the moment.

I don't get that prank call who had been bothering me for quite some times, no more.

I don't feel over upset anymore just like you can see on my last post.

I haven't cried yet for the past two days.

It's a good progress I guess, except for the going-to-the-right weight scale. It's really making me furious, because I've been losing weight for 3 kgs and then it went back again.

Arghhhh... Really have to watch my food again, darn it!

Babble of Happiness

I often ask myself for what happiness means of.

Lately, it becomes the biggest question I have with no answer on it.

The last thing I could recall about happiness was when I received my three-months-awaiting of a black leather ankle boots.

Is that it? Can't I feel happiness everyday?

I wonder why on earth this could be happening to me, or others.

If someone can't feel happiness for her or his own life, why should God created her or his?

I don't blame God, but I am just asking..

I just want to know.. Will anybody provide me an answer, or The Mighty, would you answer me?

Morning Babble

I drank a little amount of liquor because I know I will be driving myself alone, home.

I wished I have someone to take care of me when I freed myself by letting me, myself, unconscious.

But, it wasn't like I wanted to be.

Again, I took care of others.

I didn't mind doing it, but sometimes I just wanted to be the one whom people care about.

Is it too much? Is it forbidden?

Just to feel free and being loved by someone..

I wasn't being myself, the real me, but I enjoyed it.

Once said, Life is free, Love your life.

I am trying to, my dear..

Strong Words

Sometime, I feel both flattered and happy when I find out what I have said is apparently important for themselves, both she or he. Although, all of you can see that the words are not like written by the great philosopher or said by the famous person. I believe everybody can make her/his own strong words because it is only alignment of words come at the right time and match with the right person.

As an example I want to share a short story about simply strong words like written below.

I talked on msn with a friend, three months ago, K, who apparently appeared as the same person as one who are talked about on previous post: uncomfortable prejudice.

Here are part of the conversation we had:

K says:

hahahaha

K says:

yeah, exactly

K says:

i really want to be strong just like you

K says:

i salute you!

I say:

haha if you want to be strong,

I say:

you have to be selfish

I say:

i cried almost everyday for the past week

I say:

think this and that

I say:

day by day i realize, we have to be tough

I say:

we are grown up already, think like one then.

K says:

hmmm that's right

K says:

awwwwwwwww, thank you very muchhhh

I say:

haha of course

K says:

I feel so much better after reading it

I say:

hahaha, i didn't realize i could say some stuff, i think my craving-for-food-stomach did it..

I say:

or, God simply sent me to say what He needs to say

I say:

blahhhh hahahahaha

K says:

hahahahaaha

See? Was not that simple?

Go make your own strong words and share to some needed friends... =)