Today's Out

I am feeling good today somehow.

I woke up around 7.30 in the morning, pretty early for a holiday.

It was all about my high pitch mother who said, " Banguuunnn! Kuliah jam berapa??"

I simply replied, " Yeah, midday, mom" and then went back sleeping. ( I can easily lie although I wasn't really conscious yet, ahahahhaa).

Well, I have been already woken up because of the noisy sound of mother, so, I couldn't get back to sleep after few trials.

I got out my room, and remembered of BUBUR CIKINI I bought yesterday, actually that was my scrappy meal, but still tasted goood. Hahaha.. What a nice breakfast..

And then I believed if I got back to my bedroom again, I would be sleeping and getting FAT FAT FATTER and also late for watching Harry Potter: Half Blood Prince with Anisa Lahay at PV, 12 P.M.

Next, I watched TV and looked at newspaper I subscribe.

On the first page, my eyes were looking at a man on the left up of the Kompas newspaper.

I laughed because there was a picture of my friend's father, Hadar Nafis Gumay, talked about politics nowadays related to the President Elections.

After finished reading (well, flick through is more correct), I called Lahay to wake her up since she is sooooooooooooooo fucking shit to be woken up.

I surfed the internet and the time was pointing at 10 A.M. something, took a bath and blablabla stuffs and the time was already 11.20.

I drove fast while kept calling Noor A. Lahay because she didn't pick up my phone.

I arrived at PV, bought ticket for two, came inside first, and Lahay caught up at minute 15 or so.

After that, we met Angki and Siddik at J.Co and I left PV because I had to pick up my obnoxious little brother and sister at Menteng, and paid some bills at Mampang.

I drove back to PV and we moved to Citos to watch performance of my friends.

It was a reallllly cooooool one. I tempted to eat fuckin junkfood BK: BBQ beefacon with cheese! because of Si Noor. arghhhhh! She said "You can eat anything anytime, but BK?". darn youuu!

We took away the BK and ate that along our way to Teras Coffee to do some chitchatting, playing, meeting some loyal customers over there, since we are all one of those loyal customers. hahaahha...

At 9 PM, we went back home and here i am sitting in front of my mother's lappie because mine is broken and haven't got it repaired yet due to this and that (money and the place to fix it is not in my GPS' mind).

Well, that's my day going..

Once again, I am feeling pretty happy. weird...

Relieved

Yeah, somehow I'm feeling better at the moment.

I don't get that prank call who had been bothering me for quite some times, no more.

I don't feel over upset anymore just like you can see on my last post.

I haven't cried yet for the past two days.

It's a good progress I guess, except for the going-to-the-right weight scale. It's really making me furious, because I've been losing weight for 3 kgs and then it went back again.

Arghhhh... Really have to watch my food again, darn it!

Hatred

FUCK!

FUCK them all!

I hate my lifeeeee...

I always cry for what they ask me to do but in fact, I can't.

I always be pity for them when they beg or cry to me.

I hate when I always say yes rather than no, although I know I can't do or give what they want.

But it always be me, the one they are blaming to, when it goes wrong.

The one they are blaming, because I look happier and more succeeded than they do.

How come we never work out all the problems?

I have tried my best to give what they want, what they like, what they need.

But when I want my rights, they don't give a shit, any shit.

Right now, I just want to disappear, I want to vanish.

I want to see what they would be if there is no me.

If it will be better, I am willing to go, forever, and never come back.

Are you happy now?

I Miss You

My good friend sent this through message yesterday.

I simply texted her back:

"hahaha, why don't you send this message directly to him? It means nothing for me, dumbass! =9"

She replied:

"you are soooo meannnnnnnnn, you know I can't text him such things. That's why I rather sent it to youu darlinggggg... lol"

This is what she sent me:

I miss you, yeah I can't lie about it.

I drive all along the road, but I remember you still.

I heard the song and its just recall you again.

Darn it, why can't I just let you go?

Why can't I just move on?

Why on earth I keep sticking on you?

Am I being cursed? Or am I being foolish?

Oh darling, I wish you know that I miss you, really, really bad.

I replied her again:

"Hey darling, I know you miss me, I can feel it too, but I am too afraid to admit that I miss you."

She replied:

"benconggggggggggggggggg, kurang ajarrrr... jadi ngarepp kannnnnnn??"

I laughed, and went to bed.

Babble of Happiness

I often ask myself for what happiness means of.

Lately, it becomes the biggest question I have with no answer on it.

The last thing I could recall about happiness was when I received my three-months-awaiting of a black leather ankle boots.

Is that it? Can't I feel happiness everyday?

I wonder why on earth this could be happening to me, or others.

If someone can't feel happiness for her or his own life, why should God created her or his?

I don't blame God, but I am just asking..

I just want to know.. Will anybody provide me an answer, or The Mighty, would you answer me?

arghhhhh

Can anybody help me to stop this everyday around 2 A.M. prank call??

I absolutely hate this pervert keep disturbing my cellphone and my night.

Fuck you, I really wish you will be rotten in lowest hell.

Arghhhhhh, I want to stab you, kick you, torture you, and definitely kill you slowly so you will feel the pain. Ha!

Disappointed

I don't know what to say anymore.

I am trying to be nice to you, trying to forget all things you have done to me.

Or making things look better than they really are.

But I feel so disappointed, when you are not coming clean as we are called friends.

Instead, you shout it out through facebook, word of mouth, or the mighty twitter.

I know I am not perfectly good person.

But, why don't you ask me why? Rather than making prejudice by prejudice.

I do realize I am being selfish here, forces you to understand me.

But, please, can you just understand me at this moment?

Because I really need your broad-minded or tolerant attitude.

Just for this one thing, please..

Morning Babble

I drank a little amount of liquor because I know I will be driving myself alone, home.

I wished I have someone to take care of me when I freed myself by letting me, myself, unconscious.

But, it wasn't like I wanted to be.

Again, I took care of others.

I didn't mind doing it, but sometimes I just wanted to be the one whom people care about.

Is it too much? Is it forbidden?

Just to feel free and being loved by someone..

I wasn't being myself, the real me, but I enjoyed it.

Once said, Life is free, Love your life.

I am trying to, my dear..

Little Hope

She called me earlier today, told me a fun story about her recent news of her love life..

A little smile showed up clearly on my face, but luckily she didn't know it because we were talking on the phone..

From our conversation, here are some of the stories:

I travelled for miles ignoring all the traffic.

I didn't care if the heat of the sun slowly burning my skin.

You know I hate high temperature but it's all paid off when your face were drawn in my head.

Oh God, I have to admit it that I still wanted you so bad.

Despite the fact that I had been trying to forget you, which apparently became a lie to myself.

And when I saw you for the first time after months, I could lie to myself no more that I still unable to get over you, yet.

But one thing, I promise to myself that I am a big girl with big heart and also big dignity to left you behind.

Just like when it happens by the time you were just about to picture my face.

I walked away with big smile on my face just to message you that I am okay even though I am not really am at that moment.

I could feel it, my little victory although I didn't even win a thing, yet.

But, again, another thing I can assured you, I will be getting stronger by the day until I have you or someone else have me.

How come that things wouldn't make you laugh, as a girl?

I ask you once again, you have that little smile, don't you?

Self Denial

yes..

she got up from the bench, left the park that overwhelmed by the falling leaves.

she headed to the corner of the street, picked the coffee shop she used to go there whenever she needed to get relax both from her problems and solved ones.

"one hot caram.., nah, one pure vanilla, please" she smiled.

she pulled the wooden chair, took a seat, and pondered throgh the big glass window.

"excuse me, miss, your pure vanilla" distract the coffee boy.

"thank you. errr, can i borrow your pen, please?" she said.

the young part-timer boy lent his pen and left.

there she goes, a pen and a pocket-found scrap paper, also sips of vanilla.

she started to write..

----------------

i am getting better day by day,

i am able to live my life happily without you,

i do not mind if you are staying away from me,

making such a distance between us,

despite we already have them handled,

yes, i am stronger for my self.

i am happy to see you happy,

although we have different definition and perception of it,

yes we are different but we are connected each other,

that is what i am feeling and trying to prove, this far.

i am crying no more tears for this,

not because i do not care about you anymore,

but i am trying to take care of my self and my love, perhaps.

i will not bother you with my snivel no more,

and i will not run into you like a 5,

because i do not know how to do this or that.

yes, i will be tough than ever, i promise.

i do not mind if we will not be having any conversations anymore,

because we both know, there are nothing really important to say, maybe.

because we both know, i have said what i need to say, and so have you, perhaps.

yes, i do not blame anyone or anything for what has happened.

today, you see me okay.

today, you see me laugh out loud.

today, you see me with no tears.

today, you see me doing my work appropriately.

today, you see me are trying to get my life goes well.

today, you look at me and smile as you can see my life is greater than before.

---------------

she pondered again, through the big glass window, watching the sky of late afternoon.

ahhh..

no, no, please, she begged.

yes, she begged to herself.

"please, oh please, i don't want to feel my heart crumbles again."

her inevitable tears started to fill her eyes,

she took a deep breath so the tears will not be coming down to her pale cheek.

but, it did not work, tears started to drop on her face.

she couldn't cheat herself, she couldn't convince herself,

that she was what she has written.

no, she couldn't.

because she was not really telling what she really wanted to say,

what she really had changed,

what she really had faith into.

she was denying,

she was refuting,

she was disavowing,

she was lying to her self.

alone, she broke down and cried.

Strong Words

Sometime, I feel both flattered and happy when I find out what I have said is apparently important for themselves, both she or he. Although, all of you can see that the words are not like written by the great philosopher or said by the famous person. I believe everybody can make her/his own strong words because it is only alignment of words come at the right time and match with the right person.

As an example I want to share a short story about simply strong words like written below.

I talked on msn with a friend, three months ago, K, who apparently appeared as the same person as one who are talked about on previous post: uncomfortable prejudice.

Here are part of the conversation we had:

K says:

hahahaha

K says:

yeah, exactly

K says:

i really want to be strong just like you

K says:

i salute you!

I say:

haha if you want to be strong,

I say:

you have to be selfish

I say:

i cried almost everyday for the past week

I say:

think this and that

I say:

day by day i realize, we have to be tough

I say:

we are grown up already, think like one then.

K says:

hmmm that's right

K says:

awwwwwwwww, thank you very muchhhh

I say:

haha of course

K says:

I feel so much better after reading it

I say:

hahaha, i didn't realize i could say some stuff, i think my craving-for-food-stomach did it..

I say:

or, God simply sent me to say what He needs to say

I say:

blahhhh hahahahaha

K says:

hahahahaaha

See? Was not that simple?

Go make your own strong words and share to some needed friends... =)

21 Guns by Green Day

I don't know why I humm this song pretty often for no reason.

Hence, I just want to post it and share it.

For some reasons, I think Billie Joe Armstrong is cooler than Adam Levine, sometimes. =D

Do you know what's worth fighting for?

When it's not worth dying for?

Does it take your breath away

And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?

And you look for a place to hide?

Did someone break your heart inside?

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road

And you lost all sense of control

And your thoughts have taken their toll

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass

And the hangover doesn't pass

Nothing's ever built to last

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own

When you burned down the house and home?

Did you stand too close to the fire

Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die

And you can't get another try

Something inside this heart has died

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Oh, It Is Love

I found this when I cleaned up my dusky desk.

It's interesting alignment of words to me, therefore I decided to write the things here.

It has no title and I remember of one Hellogoodbye song called Oh, It Is Love.

So, here it is, a touching story of a girl.

She took sleeping pills just to ignore you, who had always come in every single her dreams.

She took the aspirin, to get rid her headache because you had across her mind too often.

She took her daily painkiller to overcome you who had been virusing her.

She smoked cigar just to feel assured that her life worth to live more than her lungs.

She seemed so deeply in trouble.

She felt afraid to change.

She worried been able getting use to with changes.

Therefore, she denied every single step of new start.

It was her who kept doubting about who she should be and what must be done.

She thought for quite long, and she only wanted to hear your voice and laugh again.

She only wanted to hear you saying simply old words: You make me happy and so special.

She was just too foolish yet naive to kept believing she would be forever his breath.

She forgot, God blessed him to be able breathing by himself.

Just so you know, she told me once she really thanked God for meeting you who had painted her life colorfully.

She thanked God, you found your own life with love although you easily had forgotten all about her.

"Godspeed, darling. I love you," she finished her words then close her eyes.

I found it kinda blue and gloomy, don't you think so?

Tears

Tears

Those are things that she had been having for the past few nights (or morning) before she overslept.

She didn't know why she tended to think of something that made her burst into tears.

These were maybe some reasons she has explored:

1. She felt lost, both losing a presence of human and losing direction of life.

She got nobody has succeeded cheering her up nor answering her indefinable question.

2. She was going to be 20 years old, but still sleeping with a snoring mom and sister.

OMG, if i were her, i couldn't put up with that annoying sound every single nite. Luckily, she had an iPod to save her sleeping time.

3. She had no cash, no boyfriend, no income, no destination.

She really didn't know what to do the next day everyday. It was always be an impromptu day, exciting but it could be boring also.

4. She had this "I don't know if I like him, but I can't be with him either, so I just go back with the last one" feeling.

What a pathetic! She didn't even be able to be honest with herself whom she loves or likes. Therefore, she just go with the last crush since she hasn't found the appropriate one.

5. Her family sucks!

There will be long story about this one. I am too tired and bored to talk about this.

Actually, there are still many unwrittenable reasons because she always pity herself lately and of course i am too lazy to write it all down.

So, what would stop her every nite tears?

I haven't found the answer yet to help her out.

uncomfortable prejudice (read: jealousy)

Jenna feels sorry to her used to be good girl friend, Karen (fictitious name) for having this slight evil thought.

Jenna doesn't know where it comes from until she realizes that she doesn't like the situation happens.

okay, maybe it wasn't Karen's fault or Karen didn't mean to do it, but you know, girls usually make things more complicated than they are.

--

first.

Jenna doesn't like it when she finds out Karen is becoming better friend with him since Jenna is the only girl who is the fastest to get close enough with him in their college, as far as she and everybody know.

second.

Jenna doesn't like the fact that Karen is also a friend of his ex crush or maybe immortal crush is more accurate appellation.

third.

Karen knows that Jenna still like him and Karen doesn't even give a shit story to her??? although Jenna doesn't like him as much as before, still Karen doesn't pay attention to give her some of those infos.

well, Jenna feels disappointed.

hope it is just her bad prejudice in a middle of the night.

hope Karen is being a good friend, setting this all up for surprising her at the end just like on the screen.

ha ha ha, poor Jenna, she is sure the last hope was just a rubbish thought.

one word which may be describes Jenna's feeling: JEALOUSY.

well, the girl friend, Karen, actually didn't really hurt her, Jenna (which is fictitious name for my friend who told me this story).

it's a natural feeling that anybody could have when the boy that Jenna has crush on has a too good relationship with another girl who apparently appears as the Jenna's friend, without telling Jenna any.

of course, Karen didn't do the kiss just like the picture above drown because i bet Jenna would swear to god to throw Karen's house with bunch of stinky eggs. lol

as if i am Jenna, i would feel a slight betrayal over there.

don't you think so? or i am just too jealous...

Hello, Dear

I finally made one, yeah!

Following maybe, the trend, that everybody from the young to the old have it.

Yes, it is a blog.

To be honest, I don't really both like and good at writing stuffs.

But then, this feeling came out and I just think I have to start writing. It is good for self soothing though.

Scrapersona

after quite a fast blog-name-selection.

first thought, I don't even know where the words came from, and then I googled a picture of scrap+personage, since scrapersona and scrapersonage didn't work.

this is the picture I got at the first place,

well, it looks a lil bit weird yet fascinating.

quite make a match with her philosophy of scrapersona, which is taken from the best dictionary i have ever met:

scrap (skrp) : a small piece or bit.

per·so·na (pr-sn) : one's public image or personality, as distinguished from the inner self.

voila, make your own perception then.. =)