my want(s)

I simply want to be a good, lovable person.
I want to be happy and cheerful, so everybody can feel the same.
It's nice to be loved by person that I love, but it's fascinating to find love with the unexpected ones.
Honesty, that's a thing I really want to upheld high inside mine.
I really want to be a successful woman with good career and not to be forget, incredible family.
When my children have grown up, I'd like to hear them saying: "Mom, you are my inspiration."
I also want to hear my grandchildren babbling that their grandma's is rocking.
And I want...
...
...
Yeah, i have written some of my want(s). But what can I do to make they happen?
I often feel break down.
I am spending my mind and me too much on others, rather than to myself.
I am careless to my self until I finally get sick.
I think, I need something or someone, which any can be my harbor.
Since I have always be one to everyone who wants to lie at anchor..

ftw.

I can't imagine what's on their minds, till they can easily abandon people they should have taken care of.

I can't imagine how come they simply utter their incapability while their gold and diamonds are shinning through their pockets.

I can't imagine they are standing still when I fall down with tears bursting out, and give a damn to others instead.

I can't imagine they are scolding me and telling that I am selfish, just because I have my good time outside and being carefree.

I can't imagine, that someday I will be losing my mind and get mad, so I might do awful things to them.

I hope, it will only be on my imaginary side.

Because I don't know, what I would be if I live without seeing them and hearing them.

Pop Out Mood

I have fun, then I get bored.

I want something new or just simply you.

Thing to Think

Sometimes,

We are down at the point that we don't even know how horrible the thing is to be described.

That thing is just like a crisscross on a pie with an awkward pattern, and nobody seems can't help you to make it better.

You sure you have worked your ass off to puzzle the thing out.

But,

What does it mean, if you've been told that everything wouldn't be the same anymore?

What does it mean, if everything is too late to be fixed?

What does it mean, if you feel like there's no answer in every question you have?

The thing keeps sucking you just like quicksand, torturing you slowly.

You keep thinking on this thing and haven't figure it out yet.

Au secours!

Hello Again, Feeling Happy?

lalalalalalala..

I have been humming it for today.

I have been playing the tunes on my minds.

I don't really have any certain reasons to feel happy.

I just felt it and I kinda like it, although found it a little bit weird.

Yeah, you know, I can barely feel happy when I am in this such conditions- my usual life.

I haven't posted anything lately due to my uncertain activities, but actually I have plenty to say, for sure.

I recapped my last 10 days on my still-functioning-brain-neurons, found ups and downs thingy.

I had the abdominal problem which is diarrhoea for about a week.

I still can feel it if I consume instant noodles (arghhhhhh, why on earth should I get a weak intestine????).

You guys really know how best Indomie Goreng tastes, don't you?

It started when there was no food at my home, my mother gone for a business trip, and my auntie called me, telling that she had this reallyyyy tasty crabs from Balikpapan.

it's only the pincer of the crab.

Yeahhh.. Looks nice, doesn't it??

Until I found out that tomorrow morning, me, my older sister, and my younger brother had splendid time at our toilets. Yeahhh the effing diarrhoea..

It didn't stop right there. The next day, I went to my campus to attend convocation about freshmen of Communication. I didn't know if I got cursed by someone or something, I slipped and fell down at two-steps-long stairs. So dumb!

Moreover, I couldn't get up and walk because I had this sprained ankle, so my friends lifted me up to my friend's car. (Luckily, I didn't drive my car, otherwise I will left it unattended at the perilous parking lot).

Me, then, had the healing massage to relief every pain on my muscle, d'ohh.

Finally, after two times of massaging, I can walk appropriately, although the pain's still turning up if I walk on uneven road.

Despite things happened above. I feel happiness stop by on my life, although a little. =9

Like today, I gathered around with some friends and we were singing along together.

It was delightful for me and them because all of us loveeeeeee to sing till death.

On previous weekend, (when my ankle's still occurring some pains) me and my best friend went to a nice welcoming back night, full of music, performance, and not to be forget, liquor babyyy..

hahahahahaha. I have to admit it, I kinda miss that old life, high school life, I mean.

(I wish Auntie Mega will publish the photos soon on facebook, *wink*)

Then, the next day, me and my two best friends, spent other exciting night with new guys around.

(big thankie for ndoy and bachien who kept pushing me to get along with the 'new guy', but both of you definitely know, to whom my heart belongs to, ewwwwww hahahahah).

We went to karaoke together too with some new friends at Music Pool, Wijaya for couple hours.

(I can't post the other photos because they don't want to be famous on my blog, blah).

ndoy.bachien.njay: 3sum reunited

njay.ndoy : crazy fellas

Today, I feel happy for uncertain reasons, yes.

I feel happy because I can take bites of CK's almond nut brownies.

I feel happy because I met my friends and experiencing Teras Coffee, after my absence about two weeks.

I feel happy because I played with Samantha, and gave her the new 2000 rupiahs.

I feel happy because I can walk and hanging out with friends again.

I feel happy because I still have money left although the amount is soooo dreadful.

I feel happy because I realize that I'm still falling in love with him, I guess. hahahahahaha

From everything I have told you in this post, they seem common, don't they?

But I am so grateful to my God, whoever You are, for letting me to feel some happiness from thingy like that.

Sometimes, it's not easy to be grateful on your own life, isn't it?

Because we always want more and more and never look down, there are plenty of people who have no life as good as ours.

Although I had diarrhoea, sprained ankle, less money, and jinx around me, I found happiness in the middle of that.

It's always easy to say

"I am grateful for my happy life",

but will you often say

"I am grateful for these infelicitous circumstances?

Need some self-contemplation? Take your time, Mates.. =)

"Hello there" and "Bye folks" from Samantha Askey

I Couldn't Imagine

...

" Maybe, errr yeah, I think I just have to stop loving myself, since everyone does. Don't you think so?"

...

I wonder what kind of hell was happened to her, so she told her awful tales to me like that...

(mis)Communication

Thoughts of an 18 years old girl on her bed before she fell asleep:

How could she think I spasm because I am a druggie rather than having a nightmare?

How could she think I am no longer virgin because all of my friends are not?

How could she think I steal or sell something because I can go out everyday without money given?

How could she think I will be just okay because I only have the fever, not the cancer or nervous system disorder?

How could she think I can do all things because I seem able to do it?

How could she think and treat me none like a mother, real mother, biological mother?

I think I don't understand this.

Thoughts of a 47 years old single mother on the same bed before she fell asleep:

Why couldn't my daughter just simply spasm because of having a nightmare rather than being a druggie?

Why couldn't my daughter be able to stay virgin even though all of her friends are not?

Why couldn't my daughter ask me for money instead of stealing or selling stuffs?

Why couldn't my daughter take care of herself? It's only fever for God's sake!

Why couldn't my daughter do all the things she can surely do?

Why couldn't my daughter act like good girl that I can take pride in?

I think I don't understand this.

The mother and the daughter were sleeping on the same bed, back on to each other.

The daughter was crying quietly because she didn't want her mother to hear it.

She didn't let her mother to understand her.

The mother's heart was broken into pieces but she didn't say any to her daughter.

She didn't let her daughter to understand her, either.

They didn't trust each other.

They didn't feel the love between anymore.

They just need a time, a really good timing, to talk. Talk. Talk.

They lacked of communications since years ago.

They couldn't even recall it, when it started, when they didn't talk each other anymore.

Dear God, they just need the time. You will grant them one, won't You?

Lessons for Life

I just got home and my mind is full with words and thought.

Well, it's gonna be another not-to-be-having-any-sleep craic

(Irish slang: pleasant conversation or talk).

I know I am not pretty good at describing or storytelling something in a nice order or plot, but I will try my best because things I have in my mind right now are really good and precious things to share, as long as I pass it on correctly, hahahaha.

Well, I went out with my 3 older girl friends (in this case they are all over 30 years old).

We watched movie, had some food, laugh and it came the moment, sharing things.

We were talking about life, love, money, guys, friendship, food, everything girls could ever talk about, not to be boundary by our gap of ages of course.

From our conversation, which is most about love and life, I discover something that we are all can use for developing good spirit and good mind, indeed.

Every person God had created, they have their own destiny, their own fate, their own options to choose in every single life. When it turns to positive or negative outcome, it is all because our decision made earlier, and there is no mistake over there.

If it turns positive, it MEANS that is your time to continue your life to make it better than before.

BUT, if it turns negative, it MEANS you have to learn more so your future will not be getting worse and maybe, inadvertently, you help or save other's life. And it might not happened if you were making the (you may think) positive decision first.

So, every time you feel failed or regret of negative decision you have made, maybe this is the time you should perceive that it has to be related to other thing, good thing, indeed.

Okay, if it's to abstract to understand I would put it in example of my good friend's life (thank you for my besties to lend me her story).

She was born in a looking good family but fragile inside. During her childhood until teenager she had through this family matters until her parents decided to divorce when she was in 9th grade but it had just legalized 2 years after. She was being put in a middle of her parent's battlefield while they were fighting for winning her. They didn't even listen to her voice, what she would like to utterance to. Right now, she is living with her mother in pretty adequate life although sometimes they would fall down too. But, her father, her biological and not other father (her mom doesn't marry again) never gave her money support as his obligation, routinely. He only gave her money when he had it. I assumed she has to stop her life when her father didn't have money. Don't you think so?

However, she has grown up pretty good. She went into best university in her country, and scored quite satisfying GPA. Despite her little wacky and mischievous attitude of common young adult, she still being responsible to herself and her family.

In her life, I hardly see happiness come along. In that young age, she supposed to have what normal young girl could have such as affection from parent, stability of life, etc. But, she told me that all she had been through make her become more mature and stronger, so every problems she had nowadays, she can through it pretty well. She helps some friends too due to their problems. This what I call the other side of negative things that could turn into positive things when you handle it wisely and willingly. By helping others with their problems, she is developing herself instead, isn't she?

Actually, I still have the other lesson about love and friendship, but I will talk about it in the next post this afternoon.. I am feeling a little exhausted. *o*

I'll see you soon...

Today's Out

I am feeling good today somehow.

I woke up around 7.30 in the morning, pretty early for a holiday.

It was all about my high pitch mother who said, " Banguuunnn! Kuliah jam berapa??"

I simply replied, " Yeah, midday, mom" and then went back sleeping. ( I can easily lie although I wasn't really conscious yet, ahahahhaa).

Well, I have been already woken up because of the noisy sound of mother, so, I couldn't get back to sleep after few trials.

I got out my room, and remembered of BUBUR CIKINI I bought yesterday, actually that was my scrappy meal, but still tasted goood. Hahaha.. What a nice breakfast..

And then I believed if I got back to my bedroom again, I would be sleeping and getting FAT FAT FATTER and also late for watching Harry Potter: Half Blood Prince with Anisa Lahay at PV, 12 P.M.

Next, I watched TV and looked at newspaper I subscribe.

On the first page, my eyes were looking at a man on the left up of the Kompas newspaper.

I laughed because there was a picture of my friend's father, Hadar Nafis Gumay, talked about politics nowadays related to the President Elections.

After finished reading (well, flick through is more correct), I called Lahay to wake her up since she is sooooooooooooooo fucking shit to be woken up.

I surfed the internet and the time was pointing at 10 A.M. something, took a bath and blablabla stuffs and the time was already 11.20.

I drove fast while kept calling Noor A. Lahay because she didn't pick up my phone.

I arrived at PV, bought ticket for two, came inside first, and Lahay caught up at minute 15 or so.

After that, we met Angki and Siddik at J.Co and I left PV because I had to pick up my obnoxious little brother and sister at Menteng, and paid some bills at Mampang.

I drove back to PV and we moved to Citos to watch performance of my friends.

It was a reallllly cooooool one. I tempted to eat fuckin junkfood BK: BBQ beefacon with cheese! because of Si Noor. arghhhhh! She said "You can eat anything anytime, but BK?". darn youuu!

We took away the BK and ate that along our way to Teras Coffee to do some chitchatting, playing, meeting some loyal customers over there, since we are all one of those loyal customers. hahaahha...

At 9 PM, we went back home and here i am sitting in front of my mother's lappie because mine is broken and haven't got it repaired yet due to this and that (money and the place to fix it is not in my GPS' mind).

Well, that's my day going..

Once again, I am feeling pretty happy. weird...

Relieved

Yeah, somehow I'm feeling better at the moment.

I don't get that prank call who had been bothering me for quite some times, no more.

I don't feel over upset anymore just like you can see on my last post.

I haven't cried yet for the past two days.

It's a good progress I guess, except for the going-to-the-right weight scale. It's really making me furious, because I've been losing weight for 3 kgs and then it went back again.

Arghhhh... Really have to watch my food again, darn it!

Hatred

FUCK!

FUCK them all!

I hate my lifeeeee...

I always cry for what they ask me to do but in fact, I can't.

I always be pity for them when they beg or cry to me.

I hate when I always say yes rather than no, although I know I can't do or give what they want.

But it always be me, the one they are blaming to, when it goes wrong.

The one they are blaming, because I look happier and more succeeded than they do.

How come we never work out all the problems?

I have tried my best to give what they want, what they like, what they need.

But when I want my rights, they don't give a shit, any shit.

Right now, I just want to disappear, I want to vanish.

I want to see what they would be if there is no me.

If it will be better, I am willing to go, forever, and never come back.

Are you happy now?

I Miss You

My good friend sent this through message yesterday.

I simply texted her back:

"hahaha, why don't you send this message directly to him? It means nothing for me, dumbass! =9"

She replied:

"you are soooo meannnnnnnnn, you know I can't text him such things. That's why I rather sent it to youu darlinggggg... lol"

This is what she sent me:

I miss you, yeah I can't lie about it.

I drive all along the road, but I remember you still.

I heard the song and its just recall you again.

Darn it, why can't I just let you go?

Why can't I just move on?

Why on earth I keep sticking on you?

Am I being cursed? Or am I being foolish?

Oh darling, I wish you know that I miss you, really, really bad.

I replied her again:

"Hey darling, I know you miss me, I can feel it too, but I am too afraid to admit that I miss you."

She replied:

"benconggggggggggggggggg, kurang ajarrrr... jadi ngarepp kannnnnnn??"

I laughed, and went to bed.

Babble of Happiness

I often ask myself for what happiness means of.

Lately, it becomes the biggest question I have with no answer on it.

The last thing I could recall about happiness was when I received my three-months-awaiting of a black leather ankle boots.

Is that it? Can't I feel happiness everyday?

I wonder why on earth this could be happening to me, or others.

If someone can't feel happiness for her or his own life, why should God created her or his?

I don't blame God, but I am just asking..

I just want to know.. Will anybody provide me an answer, or The Mighty, would you answer me?

arghhhhh

Can anybody help me to stop this everyday around 2 A.M. prank call??

I absolutely hate this pervert keep disturbing my cellphone and my night.

Fuck you, I really wish you will be rotten in lowest hell.

Arghhhhhh, I want to stab you, kick you, torture you, and definitely kill you slowly so you will feel the pain. Ha!

Disappointed

I don't know what to say anymore.

I am trying to be nice to you, trying to forget all things you have done to me.

Or making things look better than they really are.

But I feel so disappointed, when you are not coming clean as we are called friends.

Instead, you shout it out through facebook, word of mouth, or the mighty twitter.

I know I am not perfectly good person.

But, why don't you ask me why? Rather than making prejudice by prejudice.

I do realize I am being selfish here, forces you to understand me.

But, please, can you just understand me at this moment?

Because I really need your broad-minded or tolerant attitude.

Just for this one thing, please..

Morning Babble

I drank a little amount of liquor because I know I will be driving myself alone, home.

I wished I have someone to take care of me when I freed myself by letting me, myself, unconscious.

But, it wasn't like I wanted to be.

Again, I took care of others.

I didn't mind doing it, but sometimes I just wanted to be the one whom people care about.

Is it too much? Is it forbidden?

Just to feel free and being loved by someone..

I wasn't being myself, the real me, but I enjoyed it.

Once said, Life is free, Love your life.

I am trying to, my dear..

Little Hope

She called me earlier today, told me a fun story about her recent news of her love life..

A little smile showed up clearly on my face, but luckily she didn't know it because we were talking on the phone..

From our conversation, here are some of the stories:

I travelled for miles ignoring all the traffic.

I didn't care if the heat of the sun slowly burning my skin.

You know I hate high temperature but it's all paid off when your face were drawn in my head.

Oh God, I have to admit it that I still wanted you so bad.

Despite the fact that I had been trying to forget you, which apparently became a lie to myself.

And when I saw you for the first time after months, I could lie to myself no more that I still unable to get over you, yet.

But one thing, I promise to myself that I am a big girl with big heart and also big dignity to left you behind.

Just like when it happens by the time you were just about to picture my face.

I walked away with big smile on my face just to message you that I am okay even though I am not really am at that moment.

I could feel it, my little victory although I didn't even win a thing, yet.

But, again, another thing I can assured you, I will be getting stronger by the day until I have you or someone else have me.

How come that things wouldn't make you laugh, as a girl?

I ask you once again, you have that little smile, don't you?

Self Denial

yes..

she got up from the bench, left the park that overwhelmed by the falling leaves.

she headed to the corner of the street, picked the coffee shop she used to go there whenever she needed to get relax both from her problems and solved ones.

"one hot caram.., nah, one pure vanilla, please" she smiled.

she pulled the wooden chair, took a seat, and pondered throgh the big glass window.

"excuse me, miss, your pure vanilla" distract the coffee boy.

"thank you. errr, can i borrow your pen, please?" she said.

the young part-timer boy lent his pen and left.

there she goes, a pen and a pocket-found scrap paper, also sips of vanilla.

she started to write..

----------------

i am getting better day by day,

i am able to live my life happily without you,

i do not mind if you are staying away from me,

making such a distance between us,

despite we already have them handled,

yes, i am stronger for my self.

i am happy to see you happy,

although we have different definition and perception of it,

yes we are different but we are connected each other,

that is what i am feeling and trying to prove, this far.

i am crying no more tears for this,

not because i do not care about you anymore,

but i am trying to take care of my self and my love, perhaps.

i will not bother you with my snivel no more,

and i will not run into you like a 5,

because i do not know how to do this or that.

yes, i will be tough than ever, i promise.

i do not mind if we will not be having any conversations anymore,

because we both know, there are nothing really important to say, maybe.

because we both know, i have said what i need to say, and so have you, perhaps.

yes, i do not blame anyone or anything for what has happened.

today, you see me okay.

today, you see me laugh out loud.

today, you see me with no tears.

today, you see me doing my work appropriately.

today, you see me are trying to get my life goes well.

today, you look at me and smile as you can see my life is greater than before.

---------------

she pondered again, through the big glass window, watching the sky of late afternoon.

ahhh..

no, no, please, she begged.

yes, she begged to herself.

"please, oh please, i don't want to feel my heart crumbles again."

her inevitable tears started to fill her eyes,

she took a deep breath so the tears will not be coming down to her pale cheek.

but, it did not work, tears started to drop on her face.

she couldn't cheat herself, she couldn't convince herself,

that she was what she has written.

no, she couldn't.

because she was not really telling what she really wanted to say,

what she really had changed,

what she really had faith into.

she was denying,

she was refuting,

she was disavowing,

she was lying to her self.

alone, she broke down and cried.

Strong Words

Sometime, I feel both flattered and happy when I find out what I have said is apparently important for themselves, both she or he. Although, all of you can see that the words are not like written by the great philosopher or said by the famous person. I believe everybody can make her/his own strong words because it is only alignment of words come at the right time and match with the right person.

As an example I want to share a short story about simply strong words like written below.

I talked on msn with a friend, three months ago, K, who apparently appeared as the same person as one who are talked about on previous post: uncomfortable prejudice.

Here are part of the conversation we had:

K says:

hahahaha

K says:

yeah, exactly

K says:

i really want to be strong just like you

K says:

i salute you!

I say:

haha if you want to be strong,

I say:

you have to be selfish

I say:

i cried almost everyday for the past week

I say:

think this and that

I say:

day by day i realize, we have to be tough

I say:

we are grown up already, think like one then.

K says:

hmmm that's right

K says:

awwwwwwwww, thank you very muchhhh

I say:

haha of course

K says:

I feel so much better after reading it

I say:

hahaha, i didn't realize i could say some stuff, i think my craving-for-food-stomach did it..

I say:

or, God simply sent me to say what He needs to say

I say:

blahhhh hahahahaha

K says:

hahahahaaha

See? Was not that simple?

Go make your own strong words and share to some needed friends... =)

21 Guns by Green Day

I don't know why I humm this song pretty often for no reason.

Hence, I just want to post it and share it.

For some reasons, I think Billie Joe Armstrong is cooler than Adam Levine, sometimes. =D

Do you know what's worth fighting for?

When it's not worth dying for?

Does it take your breath away

And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?

And you look for a place to hide?

Did someone break your heart inside?

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road

And you lost all sense of control

And your thoughts have taken their toll

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass

And the hangover doesn't pass

Nothing's ever built to last

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own

When you burned down the house and home?

Did you stand too close to the fire

Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die

And you can't get another try

Something inside this heart has died

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Oh, It Is Love

I found this when I cleaned up my dusky desk.

It's interesting alignment of words to me, therefore I decided to write the things here.

It has no title and I remember of one Hellogoodbye song called Oh, It Is Love.

So, here it is, a touching story of a girl.

She took sleeping pills just to ignore you, who had always come in every single her dreams.

She took the aspirin, to get rid her headache because you had across her mind too often.

She took her daily painkiller to overcome you who had been virusing her.

She smoked cigar just to feel assured that her life worth to live more than her lungs.

She seemed so deeply in trouble.

She felt afraid to change.

She worried been able getting use to with changes.

Therefore, she denied every single step of new start.

It was her who kept doubting about who she should be and what must be done.

She thought for quite long, and she only wanted to hear your voice and laugh again.

She only wanted to hear you saying simply old words: You make me happy and so special.

She was just too foolish yet naive to kept believing she would be forever his breath.

She forgot, God blessed him to be able breathing by himself.

Just so you know, she told me once she really thanked God for meeting you who had painted her life colorfully.

She thanked God, you found your own life with love although you easily had forgotten all about her.

"Godspeed, darling. I love you," she finished her words then close her eyes.

I found it kinda blue and gloomy, don't you think so?

Tears

Tears

Those are things that she had been having for the past few nights (or morning) before she overslept.

She didn't know why she tended to think of something that made her burst into tears.

These were maybe some reasons she has explored:

1. She felt lost, both losing a presence of human and losing direction of life.

She got nobody has succeeded cheering her up nor answering her indefinable question.

2. She was going to be 20 years old, but still sleeping with a snoring mom and sister.

OMG, if i were her, i couldn't put up with that annoying sound every single nite. Luckily, she had an iPod to save her sleeping time.

3. She had no cash, no boyfriend, no income, no destination.

She really didn't know what to do the next day everyday. It was always be an impromptu day, exciting but it could be boring also.

4. She had this "I don't know if I like him, but I can't be with him either, so I just go back with the last one" feeling.

What a pathetic! She didn't even be able to be honest with herself whom she loves or likes. Therefore, she just go with the last crush since she hasn't found the appropriate one.

5. Her family sucks!

There will be long story about this one. I am too tired and bored to talk about this.

Actually, there are still many unwrittenable reasons because she always pity herself lately and of course i am too lazy to write it all down.

So, what would stop her every nite tears?

I haven't found the answer yet to help her out.